waxingcrescent

i gave up so much of myself to this relationship - my goals, my dreams, my fledgling sense of self-worth, my ability to express my emotions, my ability to even feel safe expressing my emotions. i tried so hard every day to give him what he asked of me and when we finally got to the point where we were basically just coexisting, he told me to start looking at rings. my heart broke thinking that, if he sees nothing wrong with this relationship, it's me who's wrong for wanting anything else. but it feels so empty.

it hurts his feelings when i say things like his love for me is more like a parent or caregiver's love than a true life partner's - but every time i expressed dissatisfaction with something in the relationship he either brushed it off like it's no big deal or went straight to accusing me of wanting to break up.

it's really hard for me to understand how his love for me outweighs the fact that we have such huge differences in what we want out of life, our values, and our attitudes towards sex. neither of us are happy, but to him it's worth being unhappy forever if we're together? it's cruel of me to say, but what exactly is so good about us being together if we've never once figured out how to actually feel safe and comfortable around one another? or does he not feel uncomfortable around me since i'm so "simple" and "low-maintenance" and have stopped asking him for anything?

i know i likely have an avoidant attachment disorder but what confuses me so much is that i have many long friendships and many emotionally intimate friendships. it's hard being vulnerable with my friends but it's always rewarding and it gets easier everytime. but it doesn't feel like that with him. i'm always sad, tired, scared. why? because of the higher level of commitment?

to his credit, he's acknowledged all the ways that he's hurt me and has put in a lot of work to manage his own anxiety - he's a good person and he's committed to becoming a better person. none of this was ever because of his lack of effort. but can being a good person make up for the fact that i end up feeling worse about myself when i try to open up to him? is that something that can get better? can i ever be attracted to him again? will i ever stop feeling like being the recipient of his sexual attraction is punishment? what do i do with all my guilt? why, when i ask him what he wants out of a relationship, does he never give a clear answer?

i know i don't want to be in this relationship and i know my attachment issues and inability to forgive him for past mistakes is the reason why. and in my heart i'm scared that when we put in all the work to heal, i'm still going to feel the same way. and the fact that i feel like that makes me feel like none of this has any chance of saving the relationship.

i keep asking myself all these questions like, what does love feel like, what does being in love feel like, what does attraction feel like, what does enjoying someone's company feel like. all i know that i feel in this relationship is, again, sad, tired, and scared. i believe i love him because i feel relieved when he's happy and upset when he's sad, especially since i'm usually the cause of his sadness or any other negative emotions. but when he's nice to me, i don't feel any warmth or affection or happiness. when i'm sad, i don't want to turn to him because i'm scared he's going to make me feel even worse, even though i know that's not his intention.

i always though relationships were about finding someone with a shared vision of what we want life to look like and committing to building that life together. it truly breaks me heart that we're in a relationship built on sacrificing the things we've always wanted.

i've never been too good at keeping a diary, but maybe my lack of diligence in putting my feelings into words is what got me into the mess i'm in today. i know screen time isn't a great idea before bed and i'm still considering buying a physical journal but i'm just... not sure... about anything. what should i put here? what should i put there? what is it i want to write about? my physical condition? the things that are on my mind? what haunts me, or what i want to choose to appreciate in my life? does it even make sense to separate those things into two different places?

i'm not sure, and making a dreamwidth account is easier to commit to than a journal, so i'll try this out for now.

today was a day. i woke up at 4pm after another terrible bout of insomnia and did a whole lot of nothing - ignored the job/EI applications, tried to book flights home which didn't work for god knows why, cried over relationship issues for the millionth time, and i think i got on my cat's nerves.

i also went to the gym for the first time in a while since having surgery. it was okay! mostly i thought about the days when i had so much motivation and purpose in the gym and wasn't letting myself be dragged along in my husband's currents. it's not like he's imposing his ideas on me but i miss being able to go in with my own plan and the energy to execute it - in the past few months or years, i've tried and failed to get back there but it's just too much mental effort.

i hate how carefully i observe myself and rein myself in based on my idea of other people's expectations. i feel like i've lost all trust in myself and rely too hard on how other people see me. i'm scared of looking dull or immature in front of my friends, i'm scared of how i feel when there's a perceived loss of respect of me in my husband's eyes. i hate that i let myself lose myself in order to meet his expectations. i'm always doubting what i say and feel. i'm even doubting and questioning those past two sentences. what if it's not accurate? what if i'm choosing the wrong words? can i, in this state, even identify what i feel and why i feel it?

my mind feels so blank that i don't even really know where these words are coming from. it's like looking into the ocean from the surface and guessing at what lies at the very bottom of the ocean floor. it really feels like guesswork. my mind is so empty all the time. i miss remembering things, i miss when daily life consistently had things worth remembering.

anyway! i'm proud of myself for finally seeking mental health help and i'm excited for my therapy appointment tomorrow. i've been reading more and i feel like my appetite for reading is starting to grow stronger - though i fear i'm doing my usual thing of getting really into something and giving it up completely like 10 days in. but i can't get too in my head about it - just want to enjoy things as they happen to me and let go when it's time to let go. reading and knitting and art and all that will always be there when i'm ready to pick it back up. i don't think i'm in a good place but i feel hopeful for myself.

i also had a honey persimmon for the first time today and it was tasty :)