waxingcrescent

i gave up so much of myself to this relationship - my goals, my dreams, my fledgling sense of self-worth, my ability to express my emotions, my ability to even feel safe expressing my emotions. i tried so hard every day to give him what he asked of me and when we finally got to the point where we were basically just coexisting, he told me to start looking at rings. my heart broke thinking that, if he sees nothing wrong with this relationship, it's me who's wrong for wanting anything else. but it feels so empty.

it hurts his feelings when i say things like his love for me is more like a parent or caregiver's love than a true life partner's - but every time i expressed dissatisfaction with something in the relationship he either brushed it off like it's no big deal or went straight to accusing me of wanting to break up.

it's really hard for me to understand how his love for me outweighs the fact that we have such huge differences in what we want out of life, our values, and our attitudes towards sex. neither of us are happy, but to him it's worth being unhappy forever if we're together? it's cruel of me to say, but what exactly is so good about us being together if we've never once figured out how to actually feel safe and comfortable around one another? or does he not feel uncomfortable around me since i'm so "simple" and "low-maintenance" and have stopped asking him for anything?

i know i likely have an avoidant attachment disorder but what confuses me so much is that i have many long friendships and many emotionally intimate friendships. it's hard being vulnerable with my friends but it's always rewarding and it gets easier everytime. but it doesn't feel like that with him. i'm always sad, tired, scared. why? because of the higher level of commitment?

to his credit, he's acknowledged all the ways that he's hurt me and has put in a lot of work to manage his own anxiety - he's a good person and he's committed to becoming a better person. none of this was ever because of his lack of effort. but can being a good person make up for the fact that i end up feeling worse about myself when i try to open up to him? is that something that can get better? can i ever be attracted to him again? will i ever stop feeling like being the recipient of his sexual attraction is punishment? what do i do with all my guilt? why, when i ask him what he wants out of a relationship, does he never give a clear answer?

i know i don't want to be in this relationship and i know my attachment issues and inability to forgive him for past mistakes is the reason why. and in my heart i'm scared that when we put in all the work to heal, i'm still going to feel the same way. and the fact that i feel like that makes me feel like none of this has any chance of saving the relationship.

i keep asking myself all these questions like, what does love feel like, what does being in love feel like, what does attraction feel like, what does enjoying someone's company feel like. all i know that i feel in this relationship is, again, sad, tired, and scared. i believe i love him because i feel relieved when he's happy and upset when he's sad, especially since i'm usually the cause of his sadness or any other negative emotions. but when he's nice to me, i don't feel any warmth or affection or happiness. when i'm sad, i don't want to turn to him because i'm scared he's going to make me feel even worse, even though i know that's not his intention.

i always though relationships were about finding someone with a shared vision of what we want life to look like and committing to building that life together. it truly breaks me heart that we're in a relationship built on sacrificing the things we've always wanted.