i want to believe in myself
Nov. 20th, 2024 03:27 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
waxingcrescenti've never been too good at keeping a diary, but maybe my lack of diligence in putting my feelings into words is what got me into the mess i'm in today. i know screen time isn't a great idea before bed and i'm still considering buying a physical journal but i'm just... not sure... about anything. what should i put here? what should i put there? what is it i want to write about? my physical condition? the things that are on my mind? what haunts me, or what i want to choose to appreciate in my life? does it even make sense to separate those things into two different places?
i'm not sure, and making a dreamwidth account is easier to commit to than a journal, so i'll try this out for now.
today was a day. i woke up at 4pm after another terrible bout of insomnia and did a whole lot of nothing - ignored the job/EI applications, tried to book flights home which didn't work for god knows why, cried over relationship issues for the millionth time, and i think i got on my cat's nerves.
i also went to the gym for the first time in a while since having surgery. it was okay! mostly i thought about the days when i had so much motivation and purpose in the gym and wasn't letting myself be dragged along in my husband's currents. it's not like he's imposing his ideas on me but i miss being able to go in with my own plan and the energy to execute it - in the past few months or years, i've tried and failed to get back there but it's just too much mental effort.
i hate how carefully i observe myself and rein myself in based on my idea of other people's expectations. i feel like i've lost all trust in myself and rely too hard on how other people see me. i'm scared of looking dull or immature in front of my friends, i'm scared of how i feel when there's a perceived loss of respect of me in my husband's eyes. i hate that i let myself lose myself in order to meet his expectations. i'm always doubting what i say and feel. i'm even doubting and questioning those past two sentences. what if it's not accurate? what if i'm choosing the wrong words? can i, in this state, even identify what i feel and why i feel it?
my mind feels so blank that i don't even really know where these words are coming from. it's like looking into the ocean from the surface and guessing at what lies at the very bottom of the ocean floor. it really feels like guesswork. my mind is so empty all the time. i miss remembering things, i miss when daily life consistently had things worth remembering.
anyway! i'm proud of myself for finally seeking mental health help and i'm excited for my therapy appointment tomorrow. i've been reading more and i feel like my appetite for reading is starting to grow stronger - though i fear i'm doing my usual thing of getting really into something and giving it up completely like 10 days in. but i can't get too in my head about it - just want to enjoy things as they happen to me and let go when it's time to let go. reading and knitting and art and all that will always be there when i'm ready to pick it back up. i don't think i'm in a good place but i feel hopeful for myself.
i also had a honey persimmon for the first time today and it was tasty :)
i'm not sure, and making a dreamwidth account is easier to commit to than a journal, so i'll try this out for now.
today was a day. i woke up at 4pm after another terrible bout of insomnia and did a whole lot of nothing - ignored the job/EI applications, tried to book flights home which didn't work for god knows why, cried over relationship issues for the millionth time, and i think i got on my cat's nerves.
i also went to the gym for the first time in a while since having surgery. it was okay! mostly i thought about the days when i had so much motivation and purpose in the gym and wasn't letting myself be dragged along in my husband's currents. it's not like he's imposing his ideas on me but i miss being able to go in with my own plan and the energy to execute it - in the past few months or years, i've tried and failed to get back there but it's just too much mental effort.
i hate how carefully i observe myself and rein myself in based on my idea of other people's expectations. i feel like i've lost all trust in myself and rely too hard on how other people see me. i'm scared of looking dull or immature in front of my friends, i'm scared of how i feel when there's a perceived loss of respect of me in my husband's eyes. i hate that i let myself lose myself in order to meet his expectations. i'm always doubting what i say and feel. i'm even doubting and questioning those past two sentences. what if it's not accurate? what if i'm choosing the wrong words? can i, in this state, even identify what i feel and why i feel it?
my mind feels so blank that i don't even really know where these words are coming from. it's like looking into the ocean from the surface and guessing at what lies at the very bottom of the ocean floor. it really feels like guesswork. my mind is so empty all the time. i miss remembering things, i miss when daily life consistently had things worth remembering.
anyway! i'm proud of myself for finally seeking mental health help and i'm excited for my therapy appointment tomorrow. i've been reading more and i feel like my appetite for reading is starting to grow stronger - though i fear i'm doing my usual thing of getting really into something and giving it up completely like 10 days in. but i can't get too in my head about it - just want to enjoy things as they happen to me and let go when it's time to let go. reading and knitting and art and all that will always be there when i'm ready to pick it back up. i don't think i'm in a good place but i feel hopeful for myself.
i also had a honey persimmon for the first time today and it was tasty :)
