are the allos ok

[waxingcrescent]

ok in this post i'm going to list the things that i've seen/read/heard about relationships that frustrates/confuses/disheartens me... feel free to engage with this as u see fit by offering different perspectives or also ranting about relationship/sex expectations in the replies...

• "women will sacrifice their family for the sake of their happiness but men will sacrifice their happiness for the sake of their family" 

so i saw this a lot around the time that j and i decided to get married and how i took it was that wanting to be happy was selfish and unrealistic in the face of the sacrifice and hard work that is required of a relationship, and so giving up on happiness within a relationship is the noble choice?

• the concept of apology/makeup sex

the one time i ever engaged in makeup sex..? idk basically we fought and it didn't really resolve but j asked to have sex and i said ok so that he could start to feel better/so that we didn't end up fighting more, and then while we were having sex he said something that implied that i started the argument bc i wanted him to "fuck the attitude out of me" and i really felt disrespected. i actually see this line of thought all the time online where women say they do pick random fights because they need a penis-induced attitude adjustment which i can't relate to at all! having sex with someone i'm actively upset with is actually really soul crushing for me idk how that works for other people!

something else i saw earlier today was some thread on reddit asking what they'd like to receive as part of an apology (i.e. the male equivalent of being given flowers as an apology) and a lot of the replies were about sex/blowjobs etc. i guess this whole concept of using sex to try and express feelings of remorse is not something i can understand? like i can understand where the enthusiasm comes from but not enjoyment? idk...

• sex to express closeness vs. sex to generate feelings of closeness

i guess this is one of the biggest mismatches between j and i where he needs sex to feel close to his partner but i need to feel close to my partner to have sex. and then all of our early attempts at having sex where he would get frustrated at me when penetration and orgasm wasn't happening did not make me feel closer to him, so i avoided it more, so he got more frustrated and pushed for it more and it just ended up being this constant and massive source of anxiety for me, especially because i felt like i was failing him. even if i did manage to have sex it eventually wasn't enough bc he wanted someone who enjoys and desires it and i just couldn't deliver on that, which made me feel like a bad partner due to me seeing a lot of stuff online about a good lover being someone who cares about and is actively turned on by their partner's pleasure. the fact that i wasn't able to feel happy or turned on just from him enjoying sex made me feel like something was really wrong with me, that i'm too selfish to be in a relationship with someone

• mutual enjoyment vs. you scratch my back, i scratch yours

idk how else to put this... i'll give a pretty benign example, when it comes to watching a tv show together, i'd want to find something we'd both like to watch, but j would concede to whatever he thought i wanted to watch and i think this came with some kind of unspoken contract, like "oh i'm so generous i do whatever she wants so she should be grateful and express her gratitude by giving me what i want, which is sex". i did find it disheartening when something i thought we both wanted was something that fell under this umbrella of like, a favour he was doing for me basically. there are situations where i understand i should have been more flexible (e.g. he really wanted a partner he could go watch metal shows with but i didn't want to go bc i thought i'd be overstimulated and in a bad mood and then he'd feel like he had to babysit me rather than actually enjoy the concert, but i should have been more open to compromise on this and stuff like going to his gaming tournaments). i understand that the latter is inevitable in a relationship but i do wish there were things we both truly enjoyed and looked forward to. lol like at one point he said that engagement rings and weddings are for women and it's something the guy just puts up with for her sake. like... i think that's sad actually.... i don't want a wedding with someone who doesn't want it too it's a huge undertaking mentally, emotionally, financially... if my partner isn't enthusiastic about it i'd rather just do a small civil ceremony which is what we did... but then when i tried to explain that to him he got upset that i didn't communicate my wants to him ahead of time? but i was trying to say i didn't want a big wedding with him if it was just going to cause him stress, which he clearly communicated early on in our relationship... idk

i'll keep adding to this over time.. catch u next time!!