sex pt ii + more thoughts
Sep. 14th, 2025 11:48 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
waxingcrescentok weirdly my last few paragraphs of my last post got deleted somehow so lemme wrap all that up!!
so after that power outage convo, where he told me i needed to put more effort/initiate more or else we'd break up bc he doesn't want a sexless relationship, i cried and cried and cried and was so upset that my mind and body was like, getting in the way of true love lol and so i resolved to just grit through the physical and mental pain so that PIV sex could eventually happen and i initiated more and all that. and the sick part is that it worked lol it made him so happy once PIV sex was possible so it really reinforced the idea that i did the right thing by doing all that!
but then he got all fixated on me not orgasming and like, specifically squirting? like why get so hung up on squirting if it's so uncommon and if i hadn't even had a regular degular orgasm yet? which led to a shitty situation where during sex i felt like i had to pee but otherwise was not enjoying myself and told him i wanted to stop and go pee and he got annoyed(? idk if i read that right) and tried to convince me to keep going and trust that it's gonna feel good and blah blah but like.. guys.. idk.. like.. you really have to trust someone for all that and that's not where i was and having to convince someone to let? me put a stop to it just made it that much harder.. anyway the one time i did have an orgasm during sex with a vibrator it like... idk how to say it i was just not having a good time, i was anxious, i had better sneezes, it felt like he didn't even really care even though he seemed to care so much that i wasn't having any, and i was like... this is just not worth it lol
and then it all led to a cycle of i put in more effort to have sex -> the effort fades -> he gets upset and brings up how the lack of intimacy is affecting him -> i try harder to push myself to have sex i have 0 desire for -> repeat forever until i have a very strong sexual aversion and really aversion to any physical intimacy with him... and like now we're both really sad and affected by it!
and i get that like i wasn't explaining in clear and direct terms how little i was enjoying myself or that i needed to go even slower to establish more trust and intimacy and desire, like i really do think my failure in that aspect just made it all so much worse for so much longer... and i did actively try to hide how distressing it was for me for a long time, which was obviously a horrible choice... but yeah idk...
i disassociated my way through sex for many years and now that i'm trying not to do that i just end up crying because i hate it so much lol.. and like i know now that if i stay stop we'll just stop or he'll even offer for us to stop if i'm visibly upset but that is like. truly the bare minimum. and my body clearly remembers all the times hes touched me sexually or non sexually and i asked him to stop and he kept trying or started sulking or whatever... like i really think that killed off any attraction or trust dead. and i know if i had put a stop to it the first time it ever happened, things would probably be different now but i didn't and now i really think my feelings have been irrevocably damaged.
and now we're in this weird stalemate where like, i need to figure out what i need from a relationship so i can communicate it to him so that we can build trust and all that but idk... whenever he asked in the recent past i just say stuff like "i want a relationship where there's mutual trust and we feel comfortable around one another and can have fun with each other" but since that's not like, specific and actionable it gets him frustrated because the ball is now in my court to communicate what it is i need him to do so that he can do it and i'm not doing that but like i don't knowwwwwwwwww i don't knowwwwww what the hell he could possibly do to ever make me feel like that with him!!! and we keep having these frustrating conversations where he says like, if you need me to game less just say so, if you need me to get a hair transplant just say so, if you need me to do neck and forearm hypertrophy exercises just say so, and it's like? idk it feels so frustrating that he's going on reddit to see what gets other women hot and assuming that'll work on me? but i get that he's frustrated that i'm giving him nothing to work with?
i dunnaurrrrrrrrr and i'm still waiting on the call back from the sex therapist... idk...
and the confusing thing is that like, for sooooo long literally for years and years I've been like, i can never make this guy happy, i'll never be enough, the kind of person he wants isn't who i am, i'm a bad person and partner and will be forever, blah blah which is all like straight out of the avoidant handbook 101 which has always made me feel like it's something that i have to overcome, especially because when i tell him i feel that way he says it's not true and i know he's tired of hearing it, but like BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH idk guys BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH maybe in the end none of all that matters and at the end of the day i have 0 idea if or when i'll ever feel like we are really and truly in life together and that i feel comfortable sharing my happiness or desires or my fucking body with him. what will it take! god knows! idk if i have it in me to go through whatever the process is that'll reveal it to me and to actually be present and loving and forgiving as he tries! which makes me feel cruel lol! but holding on indefinitely while we both basically starve our souls feels cruel too! mannnnnnnnn this shit feels like purgatory
so after that power outage convo, where he told me i needed to put more effort/initiate more or else we'd break up bc he doesn't want a sexless relationship, i cried and cried and cried and was so upset that my mind and body was like, getting in the way of true love lol and so i resolved to just grit through the physical and mental pain so that PIV sex could eventually happen and i initiated more and all that. and the sick part is that it worked lol it made him so happy once PIV sex was possible so it really reinforced the idea that i did the right thing by doing all that!
but then he got all fixated on me not orgasming and like, specifically squirting? like why get so hung up on squirting if it's so uncommon and if i hadn't even had a regular degular orgasm yet? which led to a shitty situation where during sex i felt like i had to pee but otherwise was not enjoying myself and told him i wanted to stop and go pee and he got annoyed(? idk if i read that right) and tried to convince me to keep going and trust that it's gonna feel good and blah blah but like.. guys.. idk.. like.. you really have to trust someone for all that and that's not where i was and having to convince someone to let? me put a stop to it just made it that much harder.. anyway the one time i did have an orgasm during sex with a vibrator it like... idk how to say it i was just not having a good time, i was anxious, i had better sneezes, it felt like he didn't even really care even though he seemed to care so much that i wasn't having any, and i was like... this is just not worth it lol
and then it all led to a cycle of i put in more effort to have sex -> the effort fades -> he gets upset and brings up how the lack of intimacy is affecting him -> i try harder to push myself to have sex i have 0 desire for -> repeat forever until i have a very strong sexual aversion and really aversion to any physical intimacy with him... and like now we're both really sad and affected by it!
and i get that like i wasn't explaining in clear and direct terms how little i was enjoying myself or that i needed to go even slower to establish more trust and intimacy and desire, like i really do think my failure in that aspect just made it all so much worse for so much longer... and i did actively try to hide how distressing it was for me for a long time, which was obviously a horrible choice... but yeah idk...
i disassociated my way through sex for many years and now that i'm trying not to do that i just end up crying because i hate it so much lol.. and like i know now that if i stay stop we'll just stop or he'll even offer for us to stop if i'm visibly upset but that is like. truly the bare minimum. and my body clearly remembers all the times hes touched me sexually or non sexually and i asked him to stop and he kept trying or started sulking or whatever... like i really think that killed off any attraction or trust dead. and i know if i had put a stop to it the first time it ever happened, things would probably be different now but i didn't and now i really think my feelings have been irrevocably damaged.
and now we're in this weird stalemate where like, i need to figure out what i need from a relationship so i can communicate it to him so that we can build trust and all that but idk... whenever he asked in the recent past i just say stuff like "i want a relationship where there's mutual trust and we feel comfortable around one another and can have fun with each other" but since that's not like, specific and actionable it gets him frustrated because the ball is now in my court to communicate what it is i need him to do so that he can do it and i'm not doing that but like i don't knowwwwwwwwww i don't knowwwwww what the hell he could possibly do to ever make me feel like that with him!!! and we keep having these frustrating conversations where he says like, if you need me to game less just say so, if you need me to get a hair transplant just say so, if you need me to do neck and forearm hypertrophy exercises just say so, and it's like? idk it feels so frustrating that he's going on reddit to see what gets other women hot and assuming that'll work on me? but i get that he's frustrated that i'm giving him nothing to work with?
i dunnaurrrrrrrrr and i'm still waiting on the call back from the sex therapist... idk...
and the confusing thing is that like, for sooooo long literally for years and years I've been like, i can never make this guy happy, i'll never be enough, the kind of person he wants isn't who i am, i'm a bad person and partner and will be forever, blah blah which is all like straight out of the avoidant handbook 101 which has always made me feel like it's something that i have to overcome, especially because when i tell him i feel that way he says it's not true and i know he's tired of hearing it, but like BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH idk guys BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH maybe in the end none of all that matters and at the end of the day i have 0 idea if or when i'll ever feel like we are really and truly in life together and that i feel comfortable sharing my happiness or desires or my fucking body with him. what will it take! god knows! idk if i have it in me to go through whatever the process is that'll reveal it to me and to actually be present and loving and forgiving as he tries! which makes me feel cruel lol! but holding on indefinitely while we both basically starve our souls feels cruel too! mannnnnnnnn this shit feels like purgatory
