let's talk about sex baby
Sep. 10th, 2025 04:02 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
waxingcrescenthi pals this is where i'm going to detail my sexual history as it pertains to my relationship lol :D kind of mortifying and embarrassing but here we are!
some history i guess idk:
so the first day we got together he wanted to have penetrative sex, i told him i wanted to take things slow, he says ok, i don't really clarify what that means and we still end up having a lot of non-PIV sexual activity. my feelings at the time were mostly that it felt like a lot but i was curious and open to it and i want sex to feel good, though i know it'll take time to figure it out. we attempt penetrative sex a week later which fails miserably because of what i know realize was vaginismus - i experienced a lot of pain and penetration even with a finger was impossible.
after 2 weeks of being together, i was away for a few weeks visiting family/going on vacation etc etc etc, but was back by month 2 of the relationship. things were already kind of difficult for us regarding figuring out what we want the future to look like, where to live, and all that, and we already had argued about whether or not i should move in with him that summer (as i wanted to live separately but he saw that as a waste of money)
okay back to sex lol there were a lot more attempts at a) getting me to orgasm and b) PIV none of which were fruitful for a long time. i felt very anxious and did not want to initiate, which was furthered when i perceived that i was being brushed off/making him uncomfortable when i did come on to him. and honestly a lot of his attempts to initiate were just not anything that would ever turn me on e.g. i'm watching TV and he decides to pull my pants down and go to town or being poked with an erection while i'm trying to do dishes. LIKE............ anyway. i also perceived a growing frustration in him after all these attempts(?) at sex - he told me recently he remembers having fun with it but i did not register that at all - idk if that was my own negative perceptions of it colouring these events or if he just forgot how he felt back then and can only remember sex once penetration was possible or what. so at this point we were trying all sorts of things but i truly wasn't having fun at all, but i thought i just had to keep my head down and keep trying until we find something i enjoyed..?
so anyway this all comes to a head one day during a power outage where he keeps making advances and i kept pushing him away, and his frustration burst over and he told me all sorts of very hurtful things, like how he had blue balls which were hurting him and he was starting to fantasize about random women walking down the street and bending over women at the gym and all that. kind of totally unnecessary for me to know if you ask me :^)
some history i guess idk:
- prior to the relationship i'd never been penetrated by so much as a tampon or pinky finger
- my attitude towards sex is essentially that i don't need to be in love but i do need to trust the other person and be able to have fun with them
- i had one previous hookup with a woman that didn't involve penetration or orgasms but i still had a good time, was relaxed/pleased/not anxious or self-conscious
so the first day we got together he wanted to have penetrative sex, i told him i wanted to take things slow, he says ok, i don't really clarify what that means and we still end up having a lot of non-PIV sexual activity. my feelings at the time were mostly that it felt like a lot but i was curious and open to it and i want sex to feel good, though i know it'll take time to figure it out. we attempt penetrative sex a week later which fails miserably because of what i know realize was vaginismus - i experienced a lot of pain and penetration even with a finger was impossible.
after 2 weeks of being together, i was away for a few weeks visiting family/going on vacation etc etc etc, but was back by month 2 of the relationship. things were already kind of difficult for us regarding figuring out what we want the future to look like, where to live, and all that, and we already had argued about whether or not i should move in with him that summer (as i wanted to live separately but he saw that as a waste of money)
okay back to sex lol there were a lot more attempts at a) getting me to orgasm and b) PIV none of which were fruitful for a long time. i felt very anxious and did not want to initiate, which was furthered when i perceived that i was being brushed off/making him uncomfortable when i did come on to him. and honestly a lot of his attempts to initiate were just not anything that would ever turn me on e.g. i'm watching TV and he decides to pull my pants down and go to town or being poked with an erection while i'm trying to do dishes. LIKE............ anyway. i also perceived a growing frustration in him after all these attempts(?) at sex - he told me recently he remembers having fun with it but i did not register that at all - idk if that was my own negative perceptions of it colouring these events or if he just forgot how he felt back then and can only remember sex once penetration was possible or what. so at this point we were trying all sorts of things but i truly wasn't having fun at all, but i thought i just had to keep my head down and keep trying until we find something i enjoyed..?
so anyway this all comes to a head one day during a power outage where he keeps making advances and i kept pushing him away, and his frustration burst over and he told me all sorts of very hurtful things, like how he had blue balls which were hurting him and he was starting to fantasize about random women walking down the street and bending over women at the gym and all that. kind of totally unnecessary for me to know if you ask me :^)
