![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
waxingcrescentlong time no journal... i honestly feel like i've reached the state where i just have no words left like i'm just soooooooo tired and worn out and i have no idea what i even need in the short term to like.. feel like a human being again...
ok first things first body check in :) my chest is tight and achy like it usually gets maybe 20 mins before i start crying, uhh.. i feel thirsty.... idk mainly it's the chest thing and a bit of a frog in my throat feeling
arghhhh this feels so hard to write idk i keep avoiding it!!! i mean i also need to go charge my laptop but whatever jkhdf
anyway idk that things are really getting better with husband like honestly i feel really hopeless about it all.. i know we're really in the weeds right now and it's just going to be uncomfortable for a while but i'm like damn how long is it gonna be like this? during our last counseling session our counselor was like 'hmm i wonder if in a years time you'll be able to voice your needs' and i was like omg a whole fucking year from now????? ARGHHHHHHHHH
i guess the most recent thing is that husband told me he's scared of telling me things (e.g. compliments he knows i'll refute or things he wants or needs in general) in case it'll upset me or make me uncomfortable which really makes me sad bc that sounds like... an abusive situation... and i don't want to be abusive lol! so the way it came up most recently is that his friend told him it's crazy he can't speak in his own condo, which is true that is crazy. so that came from when we lived in a 350sqft apartment with no separation between the living room and bedroom and he decided to not talk on discord while gaming with friends when it would disturb my sleep, and eventually at all. actually im realizing as i type this that this post is departing a lot from a journal entry LOL ANYWAY
the situation being that i want to clarify what reaction i'm having that makes him scared to inconvenience me in any way like we just end up going in circles where he's like "well i'm willing to bend over backwards to accomodate you and prevent you from ever feeling bad" and i'm like "umm this doesn't make me feel bad i can just (e.g.) go to the bedroom if i want peace and quiet while you're on discord" and he's like "but that makes me feel bad that i inconvenienced you" and i'm like it's not even really an inconvenience...???
ok first things first body check in :) my chest is tight and achy like it usually gets maybe 20 mins before i start crying, uhh.. i feel thirsty.... idk mainly it's the chest thing and a bit of a frog in my throat feeling
arghhhh this feels so hard to write idk i keep avoiding it!!! i mean i also need to go charge my laptop but whatever jkhdf
anyway idk that things are really getting better with husband like honestly i feel really hopeless about it all.. i know we're really in the weeds right now and it's just going to be uncomfortable for a while but i'm like damn how long is it gonna be like this? during our last counseling session our counselor was like 'hmm i wonder if in a years time you'll be able to voice your needs' and i was like omg a whole fucking year from now????? ARGHHHHHHHHH
i guess the most recent thing is that husband told me he's scared of telling me things (e.g. compliments he knows i'll refute or things he wants or needs in general) in case it'll upset me or make me uncomfortable which really makes me sad bc that sounds like... an abusive situation... and i don't want to be abusive lol! so the way it came up most recently is that his friend told him it's crazy he can't speak in his own condo, which is true that is crazy. so that came from when we lived in a 350sqft apartment with no separation between the living room and bedroom and he decided to not talk on discord while gaming with friends when it would disturb my sleep, and eventually at all. actually im realizing as i type this that this post is departing a lot from a journal entry LOL ANYWAY
the situation being that i want to clarify what reaction i'm having that makes him scared to inconvenience me in any way like we just end up going in circles where he's like "well i'm willing to bend over backwards to accomodate you and prevent you from ever feeling bad" and i'm like "umm this doesn't make me feel bad i can just (e.g.) go to the bedroom if i want peace and quiet while you're on discord" and he's like "but that makes me feel bad that i inconvenienced you" and i'm like it's not even really an inconvenience...???
