reflections ii
Dec. 30th, 2024 02:37 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
waxingcrescentbefore my reflections:
i'm mad at my mom!!!!!!!!!!!! she gets upset at me for things i didn't say but she assumes i'm thinking and gets upset at me for the very expression on my face. we have very different values so of course we're going to disagree but i think it is so unfair how i need to accept that she will be mad at me and ashamed of me, but i can't even look hurt when she tells me as much? she says she doesn't understand why i didn't walk away when i was being manipulated in my relationship but then she fully says she regrets not financially manipulating me against making the life choice i wanted to make that she didn't want me to make??? girl???? make it make sense??? the things she says feels so inconsistent, like on one hand she says i need to live life for myself and on the other hand she says she's ashamed of my choices and she wishes she tried harder to... not allow me to make them... it doesn't make ANY sense and it UPSETS MEEEEEE
i really want to talk to her about this tomorrow. i think my brother is going to be at work and having him there for these conversations help a lot but i have to try anyway, i don't think i can feel settled until i can make it clear to her how her words affect me.
anyway! reflections!
i actually can't remember exactly what it is i wanted to say about my reflections on sex and relationships and moving through the tunnel of emotions that i had last night lol but that's fine.
when i think about it, i know i have self-esteem issues especially regarding body image but i don't recall feeling self conscious about it in the context of sex necessarily? like, it's not that i'm too preoccupied with how i think i look or smell or whatever that keeps me from enjoying sex - i truly do not feel that /that/ is what's pressing on my brakes. i think the lack of a safe, trusting, playful, and comfortable environment in my relationship, inside and outside the bedroom, is what is pressing on my breaks. (obviously i'm in the middle of reading come as you are by emily nagoski lol.) my sexual identity, one that makes sense to me and that i'm comfortable with, is that i am a person who needs a fun and trusting environment in order to even want and enjoy sex. when i think about the people i've been wildly sexually attracted to, they're people i had that with - i have fun and feel comfortable talking to them, so i trust that environment to continue into the bedroom (whether in fantasy or reality). i'm not ashamed of that at all!!
what i believe i felt shame about in the first year of the relationship is my vaginismus and anorgasmia during partnered sex. i felt like my body and mind were getting in the way of sex, and therefore, my partner's happiness. i saw his frustration and took it on myself, blamed myself for it. while i now understand he wasn't frustrated at me for not orgasming (just at me for idk? not trusting him enough in the bedroom? not fully embracing pleasure? not initiating more often?), it sucks that for weeks every sexual encounter was him trying to give me an orgasm, it not working despite his and my suggestions, him ending up tired/in pain/frustrated and me some mix of bored/anxious/distressed!! bro that is not very sexy!! and i hated myself for it lol!!!
husband has brought up sensate therapy and asked that we give it a try - from what i understand it requires trust in your partner and generally works best in the types of relationships that are more or less "everything's great except for the sex". that's obviously not us, so...
i also think i'm not quite mentally mature enough for it? it requires being able to nonjudgementally observe the feeling of touching and being touched and i'm still very much in the stage of "he's touching me -> it feels weird -> i don't want it -> this is bad -> i have to tough it out -> but it feels bad" cycle. i don't think i quite understand what's going on: does his touch itself truly make me feel uncomfortable or is the touch fine but because it's him, i'm resisting "letting" it feel neutral or good? idk man lol!!
anyway! i think writing about the thing with my mom helped me calm down so i hope i can stay calm and have the conversation with her tomorrow. i hate how i get mad and freeze up. okay i'm not supposed to be so judgemental of myself, i'll try again. the reaction i have to conflict that i've developed over the course of 27 years has protected me in lots of ways but it is not leading me where i want to go, so i want to be better and face scary things head on. if i behave in a way that's up until now, uncharacteristic of myself, of course i have no prediction of how my mom will react, and instead i just have fear and anxiety. but i have to accept that that's just the nature of conflict and difficult conversations!! GAHHH feelings are scary but whatever i can do it
i'm mad at my mom!!!!!!!!!!!! she gets upset at me for things i didn't say but she assumes i'm thinking and gets upset at me for the very expression on my face. we have very different values so of course we're going to disagree but i think it is so unfair how i need to accept that she will be mad at me and ashamed of me, but i can't even look hurt when she tells me as much? she says she doesn't understand why i didn't walk away when i was being manipulated in my relationship but then she fully says she regrets not financially manipulating me against making the life choice i wanted to make that she didn't want me to make??? girl???? make it make sense??? the things she says feels so inconsistent, like on one hand she says i need to live life for myself and on the other hand she says she's ashamed of my choices and she wishes she tried harder to... not allow me to make them... it doesn't make ANY sense and it UPSETS MEEEEEE
i really want to talk to her about this tomorrow. i think my brother is going to be at work and having him there for these conversations help a lot but i have to try anyway, i don't think i can feel settled until i can make it clear to her how her words affect me.
anyway! reflections!
i actually can't remember exactly what it is i wanted to say about my reflections on sex and relationships and moving through the tunnel of emotions that i had last night lol but that's fine.
when i think about it, i know i have self-esteem issues especially regarding body image but i don't recall feeling self conscious about it in the context of sex necessarily? like, it's not that i'm too preoccupied with how i think i look or smell or whatever that keeps me from enjoying sex - i truly do not feel that /that/ is what's pressing on my brakes. i think the lack of a safe, trusting, playful, and comfortable environment in my relationship, inside and outside the bedroom, is what is pressing on my breaks. (obviously i'm in the middle of reading come as you are by emily nagoski lol.) my sexual identity, one that makes sense to me and that i'm comfortable with, is that i am a person who needs a fun and trusting environment in order to even want and enjoy sex. when i think about the people i've been wildly sexually attracted to, they're people i had that with - i have fun and feel comfortable talking to them, so i trust that environment to continue into the bedroom (whether in fantasy or reality). i'm not ashamed of that at all!!
what i believe i felt shame about in the first year of the relationship is my vaginismus and anorgasmia during partnered sex. i felt like my body and mind were getting in the way of sex, and therefore, my partner's happiness. i saw his frustration and took it on myself, blamed myself for it. while i now understand he wasn't frustrated at me for not orgasming (just at me for idk? not trusting him enough in the bedroom? not fully embracing pleasure? not initiating more often?), it sucks that for weeks every sexual encounter was him trying to give me an orgasm, it not working despite his and my suggestions, him ending up tired/in pain/frustrated and me some mix of bored/anxious/distressed!! bro that is not very sexy!! and i hated myself for it lol!!!
husband has brought up sensate therapy and asked that we give it a try - from what i understand it requires trust in your partner and generally works best in the types of relationships that are more or less "everything's great except for the sex". that's obviously not us, so...
i also think i'm not quite mentally mature enough for it? it requires being able to nonjudgementally observe the feeling of touching and being touched and i'm still very much in the stage of "he's touching me -> it feels weird -> i don't want it -> this is bad -> i have to tough it out -> but it feels bad" cycle. i don't think i quite understand what's going on: does his touch itself truly make me feel uncomfortable or is the touch fine but because it's him, i'm resisting "letting" it feel neutral or good? idk man lol!!
anyway! i think writing about the thing with my mom helped me calm down so i hope i can stay calm and have the conversation with her tomorrow. i hate how i get mad and freeze up. okay i'm not supposed to be so judgemental of myself, i'll try again. the reaction i have to conflict that i've developed over the course of 27 years has protected me in lots of ways but it is not leading me where i want to go, so i want to be better and face scary things head on. if i behave in a way that's up until now, uncharacteristic of myself, of course i have no prediction of how my mom will react, and instead i just have fear and anxiety. but i have to accept that that's just the nature of conflict and difficult conversations!! GAHHH feelings are scary but whatever i can do it
